


WE DON'T LIKE LOUD SOUNDS

by drainbamage954 (cats_cradle6766)



Category: Artists RPF, EXO (Band)
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, Llamas, M/M, Magic, OT12 (EXO)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-10
Updated: 2012-11-10
Packaged: 2021-02-17 22:28:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21600763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cats_cradle6766/pseuds/drainbamage954
Summary: Baekhyun and Chanyeol are llamas. It just gets weirder after that.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Kudos: 6





	WE DON'T LIKE LOUD SOUNDS

**Author's Note:**

> Way back when, Ang challenged me to write Baekyeol and I realized I had a certain proclivity for writing crack. *vague sentiments of nostalgia pass long like farts in the wind~*
> 
> Please be wary of: terrible writing, crack, ot12, CAPITAL LETTER USAGE FOR DIALOGUE AND PROSE, Lu Han being spelled as Luhan, genderless Suho, and other utter nonsense.

Once upon a time, in a far away place no one really cares about, there lived two llamas on top of a hill. Their names were Baekhyun and Chanyeol, and they were very happy llamas. Every day, they would stand on their hill and eat their grass and other such vegetation while Chanyeol would point out the nice patches of clover and Baekhyun would warn Chanyeol when Chanyeol was getting too side tracked in his conversations and thus wandering to the edge of the mountain. They had good lives, often cared for affectionately by their happy married owners Luhan and Yixing, who would smile and pat them and brush the brambles from their coats.

Tao, Yixing and Luhan’s happy and very whimsical son, would always talk with Baekhyun and Chanyeol about his life, often ignoring or just plain not understanding Baekhyun’s snarky commentary and Chanyeol’s horrific advice on his never-ending heart ache for the village Prince Chen. 

“He looks like an angel,” Tao would say wistfully to the afternoon sky, huge smile plastered over his face as Sehun the rooster would peck about his feet looking just on the verge of going comatose. “And he sings like one two. I want to sweep him off his feet one day.”

“Kid, you’re the child of a deer genius and a brainless robot in Mexican farmer hats,” Baekhyun would say as he lazily chewed his alfalfa. “Fat chance Mr. Princess pants is going to get hitched with you.”

“I think you should write romantic poetry for him-her!” Chanyeol would suggest and unsuccessfully hip check Baekhyun. It never worked really, because Chanyeol is a llama and llamas can’t really hip check, but Chanyeol has dreams anyway. 

“Maybe I can serenade him! Tao chirps one day and pulls his violin from behind a rock, nearly tripping over Sehun as Sehun struts about lethargically. 

“Watch it,” Sehun clucks out and flaps his wings in agitation.

“It’s your fault for being such a useless cock,” Baekhyun tells the fowl as Sehun looks bored at everything.

“I wasn’t always-“

“I’ll play Mozart!” Tao announces loudly, bounding back and smiling like rainbows before starting on the theme from Romeo and Juliet by Tchaikovski and proceeding around the chorale playing his violin and wushu kicking in time. 

“I’m so proud of our baby,” Luhan comments from the doorway where he is snuggled into Yixing’s side as Yixing smiles happily. 

“I’m making potatoes for dinner,” Yixing announces and smiles at air.

“We had that last night,” Luhan pouts at his robot.

“We’re farmers,” Yixing says brightly. “It’s either that or we eat the llamas.”

“I object to this plan,” Baekhyun bleats, frowning deeply. 

“I approve of this plan,” Sehun says half falling over.

“Become vegetarians!” Chanyeol proposes and dances about the chorale after a butterfly, getting lost in the task and ending up slamming into Baekhyun. 

“Father! Lady-Father of magical conception!” Tao sings, running up to his parents and brandishing his violin. “I have decided to profess my love to Chen! The most wonderful sparkly prince in the land!”

“Oh the beauty of this!” Luhan says, glowing and clapping his hands together in euphoria.

“Who is Chen?” Yixing asks, smiling happily anyway.

“I am glad I have your approval!” Tao says, striking a dramatic pose before flashing a peace sign and bounding down the mountain, cradling his violin like a newborn child to his chest. “Oh Chen, you will be mine in a magical lovely way and we shall marry under roses and hydrangea and ride off into the sunset in a banana boat.”

“Does he even know what a banana boat is?” Chanyeol asks Baekhyun, chewing on his own spit.

“Does it matter? That kid's brain is gone,” Baekhyun says as Sehun falls over, asleep.

Tao arrives in the village square with a lot of huffing and puffing from having just bounded down a goddamn mountain and a few hills and valleys in between. “Where, oh where, is the ever illustrious and magnifluent Prince Chen?” he calls into the crowd of clearly disgruntled townspeople. 

“WE DON'T LIKE LOUD SOUNDS,” one of the towns people yells at Tao as the poor Chinese Wushu loving violin playing boy pouts with his entire body.

“But you’re yelling now,” Tao says, and feels tears spill down his face. “I just want to ask him to marry me so we can sit by the fireside and trace patterns in hot chocolate with straws and burn marshmallows.”

“SHUT UP, YOU’LL ALERT THE MOUNTAIN KING!’ another villager yells loudly and Tao slumps. 

“I just want to see-“ Tao tries again but is cut off when a light delicate hand smacks him in the face.

“Shut up, he’ll hear you,” Chen says, smiling beautifully in his powder blue gown up at Tao and batting his eyelashes. 

“Oh my beautiful Chen!” Tao declares, attempting to wrap Chen in a loving embrace as Chen seizes up like a pole. “My lovely Chen, why do you not hug me back?” Tao inquires into Chen’s flower garland.

“I am allergic to affection,” Chen says, lowering his eyes sadly and easing slightly as Tao draws away. 

“This is very sad affliction,” Tao says, feeling woe and beginning to cry once more. “For how am I to snuggle you into bean bag chairs and the like?”

“I’ll have to carry an epi-pen at all times, I guess,” Chen says, shrugging noncommittally. “But you’re kind of a llama farmers son, so I don’t really know how-“

“We shall marry in the morning!” Tao declares delightedly and punches the sky with his violin only to have it snatched out of his hand by a tall looming figure.

Tao gasps dramatically as Chen looks at his nails in boredom. “Hark, a foreboding visage dost assault my person!” Tao proclaims. “Who are you?”

“Ayo, I’m Kris, wassup?” the tall man wearing lots of weird black stuff and with spiky blond hair says, looking around with way too much swag than is ever necessary. “And Chen is totally my girlfriend.”

“I’m a boy,” Chen corrects Kris without really looking up from his nails. 

“Whatever, babe,” Kris says and crushes Tao’s violin beneath one monstrously large hand. ‘But, um, yeah, Tao, farmer dude, you, like, can’t marry him, because, like, we’re dating and stuff, so like, marry Suho, the gender confused milkmaidman.”

“Hi Tao!” Suho breathlessly calls out, waving in fangirl spasms from the crowd as their father Meat Bun Face shakes his head in dismay. “I like your suspenders!”

“I am emotional!” Tao wails and wushu kicks Kris in the pelvis, eliciting a grunt from the giant man as Chen pulls out his cell phone and begins to frantically Kakao. “I do not agree with this! Chen is my forever love!” Tao clasps Chen to his side and Chen immediately stiffens to corpse-like rigidity. “Oh, right, the allergy, sorry Chen.”

“Tots fine,” Chen says and doesn’t look up from his phone. “I want to marry a lady anyway, so you two weird tall people fight it out. I’m going to go sing and tell myself I’m pretty.” 

“Okay,” Tao says, flashing a five year old smile at Chen and making googly eyes before turning back to Kris, face more deadly than the wrath of the Honey badger. “You may have won this round, Kris of the tall things, but I shall win Chen’s heart and hand and we shall snuggle into roses as birds sing and angels laugh.”

“Um, yeah, that sounds cool and all, but, like, I’m clearly more awesome, so fat chance, dude,” Kris says and nods like a prick at the crowd of townspeople. “Sup, peons.”

“WE DON’T LIKE YOU,” the old man from before yells at Kris and then cowers among his cabbages. 

“Duh, I’m, like, the Evil Mountain King and stuff,” Kris says rolling his eyes and cocking his head to the side like a Boss. “That’s why, like, Chen is my girlfriend. Yeah.”

“I have a penis!” Chen yells from where he’s admiring himself in a window. “I am, in fact, a man.”

“Whatever, babe,” Kris says, winking a few towns girls and making them faint as their ovaries explode in synchronization. “You,” he says, swaggering a point to Tao. “Get some mad skills, then we can have, like, a skills war or whatever. Kris out!” 

And with a lot of smoke and intense facial expressions, Kris vanishes. 

“Alas!” Tao wails at the sky and villagers. “I must acquire more talents! What other useless talents can I posses?”

“Underwater basket weaving?” One of the dying girls suggests weakly.

“What is that?” Tao asks, cocking his entire body to the side in curiosity.

“You could learn to sword fight,” One of the other villagers says, shrugging.

“That's a useless skill,” Tao snorts at him and wushu kicks him for good measure.

“Hi Tao!” Suho says, waving frantically.

“What about quilting?” Tao muses to himself as Suho falls over into the cabbage man’s cart.

“I can teach you how to yodel,” Meat Bun Face says, shrugging and looking at his son in hopelessness. 

“What a truly amazing talent!” Tao says, brightening instantly and clasping his arms around Meat Bun Face and picking him up, spinning around in happiness. “Oh thank you, Meat Bun Face!”

“My name is actually Minseok,” Meat Bun Face says frowning and looking severely emotionally constipated. 

“When can you teach me this valuable skill, oh Face of the Bun of Meat?” Tao asks, fist pumping the air in his excitement.

“Tao! Hi!” Suho says, finally picking themselves up and tripping over again to try to greet Tao. “I can yodel, too.”

“Why are you wearing a dress?” Tao asks, cocking his head to the side as he looks at Suho.

Suho’s entire face crumbles. “Am I not pretty enough for you?” he whibbles before bursting into tears. “My feels!” he wails before dropping his face into his hands and sobbing uncontrollably.

“I am all of the fatherly woes,” Meat Bun Face Minseok sighs at Suho before turning to Tao. “Here, listen to this CD a few times and copy it. Then you’ll be a pro.”

“Thank you master,” Tao says, bowing deeply and clasping Meat Bun Face’s hand reverently. “I am forever in your debt.”

“Actually, if you could just marry my weirdly gender confused child instead of Prince Ch-“

“WISH ME WELL!” Tao yells to every living thing in a 100 meter radius. 

“STOP BEING SO FUCKING LOUD!” the cabbage man yells. 

“My emotions!” Suho cries into their hands. 

Tao skips from the village square, headphones on his head as he frowns in concentration, trying to memorize the intricate patterns of yodeling. In two days time he has returned, looking determined and fierce, dressed entirely in Austrian Leiderhosen and carrying a goat about his shoulders. 

“Dude, like, I’m usually not one to judge, but, um, what up with the goat?” Kris asks, leaning back with enough swag to fill a Disney cruise ship. He smiles like a douche ho.

“I was in the middle of making cheese,” Tao explains, setting down the goat and then striking a proper Peter Pan pose. He pauses. “Father? Lady-father of magical conception? Llamas? Why are you here?”

“Aren't you getting married?” Luhan asks, widening his already huge and sparkly eyes as Yixing stares off into space with a bemused smile. “We brought you potatoes as a wedding gift.”

“How kind you are!” Tao sobs as he embraces his parents and falls over Baekhyun. 

“This is the weirdest family ever,” Baekhyun says, turning to Chanyeol.

“We forgot Sehun!” Chanyeol frowns and looks around sadly. “He’ll miss the wedding.”

“Sehun wouldn’t come to the wedding if his life depended on it,” Baekhyun points out.

“I like grass,” Chanyeol says unnecessarily. “We’re best friend llamas, right?”

“ARE THOSE ALPACAS?!” Kris suddenly booms as the skies overhead darken unnaturally and unnecessarily. 

“Are those a kind of llama?” Yixing asks, and looks into the side of Luhan’s head. 

“They’re not for sale,” Luhan says, glowering at Kris as the taller strides towards the small family with a lot of umph. “They’re family.”

“I’ll give you a thousand dollars,” Kris says, his eyes glinting as they look at Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Baekhyun looks back in a bored way and Chanyeol chews happily at him. 

“Fuck off,” Luhan says, entire face dark as Yixing continues to smile at nothing. 

Kris blinks. “Cable TV and a plasma screen?” Kris offers.

“Done,” Luhan says, sticking out a hand purposefully. “As long as it gets foreign channels and every sports program in the history of the world.”

“I have attained victory!” Kris laughs out, hands outstretched to the sky in triumph as lightning flashes the sky. “Suck it, bitches!”

“How is this a victory?” Chen huffs, hand on his hips as he looks at Kris and Tao, who is currently too preoccupied with the bag of potatoes. “I’m still horribly single and no one is a lady.”

“I’m still horribly single and not a lady even if I want to be,” Suho sniffs from beside him and Chen turns to them.

“You have a lot of feelings don’t you?” Chen remarks as his eyes look over Suho’s sad form.

“Something like that,” Suho says, shrugging. “Though since Tao will never love me, I suppose I should stop lying to myself and just go drown in a river of my tears.”

“Are you always this dramatic?” Chen asks, raising his eyebrows.

“Only on Tuesdays and Thursdays,” Suho says, shrugging as they pulls off their milkmaid hat and unlaces their dress. “I really hate corsets.”

“HOT DAMN,” Chen says, as Suho shucks the horrible milk maid get up and reveals stunning physical perfection. “Dude, do you work out?”

“I carry milk pails all day,” Suho says, frowning slightly in confusion as Chen rakes his eyes up and down their now mostly exposed self. “I’m feeling scandalized.”

“Take me. Now,” Chen says and rips off his flower garland, pressing himself flush to Suho with magnetic urgency. 

Suho blinks. “Does that mean you like me?” Suho asks, and looks far too hopeful for anyone’s comfort. 

“NOW!” Chen demands. 

“I thought you were allergic to affection,” Suho asks, frowning. 

“I HAVE AN EPI-PEN AND YOU HAVE ABS,” Chen yells into Suho’s face as he latches into Suho like a koala. “I AM NOT A PATIENT PRINCE, MILKMAIDMAN.”

“What an unexpectedly pleasant turn of events!” Suho says happily to no one in particular before turning everything entirely NC-17. 

“No!” Tao yells, finally looking up from his potatoes as he watches Kris lead his llamas away, up the mountain while Jay-Z plays in the background. “My llama family has been broken. And where is my blushing bride?”

“Getting fucked into next year by Suho the Milkmaidman,” says the cabbage man from beside him with a bored expression. 

“You don’t yell?” Tao asks, aghast.

“Only when I’m around cabbages,” the man says. “But yeah, good luck finding true love now.”

“Nooo!” Tao wails, dropping to his knees and flinging his arms to the sky in dismay.

“Does this mean we get to keep the potatoes?” Yixing asks Luhan happily.

“Let’s fuck!” Luhan replies and Yixing drops the potatoes on Tao’s head. 

“You are my llama llamas, and I shall call you my llama llama llamas and we shall have llama times all day with our llama cool llama this llama llama yeah,” Kris signs to himself under his breath as he walks up his mountain, leading Baekhyun and Chanyeol along by their harnesses and bopping his head to his own horrible music.

“Is this how it’s always going to be?” Baekhyun asks Chanyeol, glancing over at his friend and potential lover llama but not really because llamas are weird like that and Baekhyun thinks more about clover than he does about gay llama sex.

“I dunno, maybe sometimes he’ll say other stuff too,” Chanyeol ponders as his legs tangle. “Besides, he doesn’t seem so bad. Just, you know, kind of like a huge douche.”

“And Ima call you my llama kids and we’ll play llama games yeah alpaca fever~” Kris finishes with a gangsta sway upon entering his master Mountain King cave. “Yo, wassup I’m home and stuff. Where my peeps at?” 

“I don’t really think we count as peeps,” Kyungsoo the gargoyle says as he tries to shift on his stone pedestal. “We’re more like the things that got stuck with you when you decided you were too cool for normal familiars.”

“Dude, I’m awesome, what are you talking about?” Kris says and gestures handsomely at himself. “Where’s Kai at? I want me some puppy love!”

“You always sounds like pedophile when you say that,” Kyungsoo says, eyes judging as he watches Kris spot Kai the guard wolf asleep uselessly by the door and shuffles over to him. “Kai! Incoming!”

Kai yelps like he’s just been stabbed when Kris attempts to pat him jovially on the head, dodging away and tripping over his feet before glaring up at Kris and letting out a sort of wheezy bark laugh thing.

“Kai, what’s the deal man?” Kris asks, turning hurt eyes to Kai. “ I was just trying to show you I care about you, and you always, like, um, run away and stuff.”

Kai looks vaguely uncomfortable for a moment before turning to Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Baekhyun is watching him with thinly veiled curiosity and Chanyeol is smiling like crack. Kai barks and snuffles around before looking up at Kris.

“They’re, like, part of the family now,” Kris says before walking over to Baekhyun and Chanyeol and swinging his arms over their backs. “So, like, no eating them or stuff. You got that, Kai? These are friends, not food.”

Kai barks again and waves his tail happily before rolling the floor.

“Do you think Kris knows Kai is calling him a man whore douche racist?” Chanyeol asks Baekhyun.

“Not a chance,” Baekhyun answers.

“Awesome! Aw, man, I love you guys,” Kris says and tries to go and hug Kai again but fails when Kai darts away, snapping his teeth. “Alright, game time!” Kris says, setting his face into a serious dragon expression before flopping down into the floor and pulling out a deck of cards, dealing them out with force.

“Is he playing solitaire?” Baekhyun asks, knocking his head into Chanyeol and causing the other to lose balance slightly. 

“I’m hungry,” Chanyeol answers, before wandering over to Kris and flopping down next to him.

“Hey, you,” Baekhyun calls out to Kai the guard wolf who is slumped against Kyungsoo and already half asleep as Chanyeol absently starts chewing at Kris’ hair as Kris mumbles to himself incoherently about alpacas. “What’s the deal with this place?”

“Don’t bother me?” Kai says and snuffles against the floor.

“But I’m bored,” Baekhyun says, clopping over to Kai and hitting him in the stomach with his nose. Kai humphs. “Do something interesting.”

“I could eat you,” Kai says and yawns widely, showing rows of teeth.

“I could sit on you,” Baekhyun retorts and Kai looks up at him with large cartoon eyes. 

“Are you threatening to?” Kai asks, and looks far too curious. 

“Nope, just giving you a heads up!” Baekhyun says happily before flopping onto top of Kai with a loud flumping sound.

“What!?” Kai wheezes out, struggling for a moment as Baekhyun adjusts on top of him.

“This is comfy!” Baekhyun says happily.

“My organs!” Kai barely gets out before giving up on life.

Meanwhile, back at the small house on top of the hill, Tao has finally managed to return from his woeful journey back home at having been thwarted by Suho the milkmaidman in is exploits to marry Chen, the now not so innocent Prince. “I am all of the sadness!” Tao wails to the heavens before collapsing in the now empty llama yard and letting his arms hang uselessly at his sides. “Will I never find happiness?”

“Cheer up!” Luhan says as he walks back into the yard, pulling Yixing by the hand who has an extremely dazed expression on his pretty face.

“We love you!” Yixing says, and beams rainbows.

“You don’t count,” Tao snaps miserably. “Parents never count because even if I was hideous you would love me and tell me I was beautiful.”

“Your father and I are the most attractive creatures under the sun,” Luhan says sternly. “There is no way in Hell you are not as damn dead sexy as we are.”

“Marmalade goes on toast,” Yixing says definitively, nodding sternly at Tao. “You should listen to your father when he says words.”

“I am lonely!” Tao wails and grabs Sehun the Cock as he wanders by unsuspecting. Sehun lets out a faint squawk of protest before Tao buries his head into his feathers and sobs all of his tears ever.

There is a loud poof and suddenly where Sehun the cock once was pressed into Tao’s face, instead there is now the large broad expanse of a VERY ATTRACTIVE ETHERIAL BEING pressed into Tao’s face that smells like lilacs and tree moss. “Oh my sudden turn of events!” Tao yelps and falls backwards as Sehun, the now turned forest wood elf, looks back at him with tired eyes.

“Fuck, it would be you that breaks the enchantment, wouldn’t it,” Sehun says and sighs as if nothing else in the world were as burdensome as this moment right now. 

“You are lying on top of me and are mostly naked!” Tao points out with quite a few hand gestures to Sehun’s lower regions.

“I have on a loin cloth!” Sehun protests and sits up so he is firmly in Tao’s lap, crossing his arms over his chest and pouting. “The important bits are covered.”

“You look like magic,” Tao says, sitting up and getting glassy eyed as he looks at Sehun and fixes on his face. “Wow, your face is amazing. That’s one of the best faces I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of faces. Look, my parents have amazing faces.” Tao takes Sehun’s face in his hands and forces it to look at Luhan and Yixing, who are in the middle of taking off each others clothes in the door way.

“Hi,” they say together before going back to disrobing each other.

“And your face is still the best. You must be magical,” Tao basically breathes his excitement through his pores. 

“I’m a wood elf,” Sehun says, shifting as Tao begins to pat different parts of him in awe. “I had a weird curse put on me that could only be broken when someone cried on- are you patting my knees?”

“You have very nice knees,” Tao says breathlessly. “Can I hold them for you?”

“Why did it have to be you?” Sehun sighs dramatically before ripping off Tao’s leiderhosen and looking at his bare chest. “Well, at least you’re hot.”

“My bits are showing!” Tao exclaims, trying to cover himself. “OH the shame!”

“Shut up, I’m in a loincloth,” Sehun says before falling asleep into Tao’s chest.  
  
  
  


*****

“WHAT the fuck!” Chanyeol jerks awake, thrashing slightly as something collides with the side of his head and jolting him from unconsciousness. He realizes a moment later that the reason his words had sounded so strange is because he currently has a mouth full of hair. He quickly spits that out and spits a few times to rid the odd sensation from his mouth. Hair is not really all that tasty.

A low disgruntled moan sounds from the figure currently still wrapped around him and Chanyeol looks down into the scrunchy and slightly pouting face of Baekhyun, still mostly sleeping in his arms. Chanyeol does his best to snuggle back down into the mattress, trying not to disturb the sleeping Baekhyun any more than is necessary. He grins as Baekhyun shuffles closer, wrapping those thin delicate fingers around him and snuffling slightly.

His Baekhyunnie is so cute.

“Were you eating my hair?” Baekhyun’s voice grumbles out, sounding tired and sleep logged as his eyes remain closed.

Chanyeol bites his lip for a moment. “Maaaybe,” he says and traces circles on Baekhyun’s shoulder. 

“Is this some sort of new kink you’ve developed?” Baekhyun asks, a sleepy eye cracking open to look at him. “Because, well, I go along with pretty much everything, but really Chanyeol? Hair?”

Chanyeol rumbles out a laugh. “No, I was just having a weird dream,” he says in explanation and Baekhyun snorts, shifting slightly. 

“Were you eating my hair in your dream then?” Baekhyun asks, eyes once more closed as he presses his nose into Chanyeol’s collarbones and his breath fans hot against the skin.

“No, I was eating Kris’ hair,” Chanyeol muses as he rests his head against the top of Baekhyun’s head and tries to recall the dream. 

“What?” Baekhyun asks, drawing back sharply and fixing Chanyeol with a look.

Chanyeol blinks before grinning. “We were llamas,” he says simply and Baekhyun snorts before letting himself fall back into Chanyeol. Chanyeol laughs a little himself. 

“Sexy llamas?” Baekhyun asks into Chanyeol’s neck and Chanyeol feels content just lying like this forever. 

“I gave you all the clover,” Chanyeol says and Baekhyun sighs.

“As you should, after going and eating Kris’ hair.” Baekhyun punches Chanyeol lightly.

“You went and sat on Kai,” Chanyeol says, tilting to look at Baekhyun.

“You should still give me all the clover,” Baekhyun says and his smile presses into Chanyeol’s skin pleasantly.


End file.
